Impending Doom...

...gay supernova in T minus 4 hours...
I am fast approaching that number...that age that causes me angst when I say
it ...40...40...40! A gay man approaching middle age really is like an old star about to implode on itself, and create a black hole.

...okay, maybe a bit melodramatic!

I have been feeling a bit low about reaching this middle age; in all honesty it isn't so much the age, it's more about being in my present situation at the age of 40.
We all make these plans as to how life should be at certain ages, leaving enough room for error and unexpected changes, this is why I approach the age with dread, because things haven't really went the way I planned. It's funny how as the years went buy, my life plans, expectations and hopes grew less grandiose, to this point now- where I never make plans, expect nothing and hope for the best.
When people use the cliche 'life begins at 40'- fair enough, but I would like the vitality of youth to enjoy it, thank you; and I believe now, I've reached the age where I can be officially grumpy without giving a reason!

Ladybird, ladybird...

The other day, while waiting to be served lunch at a theatre restaurant, I noticed this ladybird on the table, I lifted it carefully and put it on to the seat beside me; the ladybird just seem to be walking around in a circle and I couldn't stop watching it.
I lifted it up again, hoping that it would fly off my finger-but it didn't, it just crawled all over my hand, I was struggling to get my money out of my wallet, so my partner took the ladybird and flicked it to the ground. I looked to make sure that it was okay; but then a new set of anxieties came over me- it might get trampled on! I really couldn't concentrate on ordering as I kept glancing at this ladybird scuttling along the ground.
My anxiety finally got the better of me- I got up from the table, lifted the ladybird and placed it on some leaves on a shrub nearby, worries finally over.
I thought to myself, how ridiculous, but then I've also been rescuing ants from the cat's water bowl, blowing them dry and then putting them out the window!

Where's Your Head At?

Today I posted something on a forum, something that I did actually believe, but after the reactions, it made me think that maybe I was wrong in what I said and what I felt.
I realise that I am so full of self doubt that I have to almost second guess anything I say or do; I have also started to be very self aware to the point that I listen and pass judgement on what I am saying.

I know my mental health hasn't been 100% (not even 70%), but I do worry about it sometimes; if it was just 'depression' fair enough, I can deal with that, but it just seems that there's all this other 'bonus material' going on. I don't know whether it's the medication, depression, anxiety or is it just me as a person? It's frustrating, because I can't come to a conclusion as I doubt my answers and what I think!

I think the social isolation is a big factor in how I feel these days- I don't see anyone, make the odd comment virtually and speak to family on the phone-that's it, and I am concerned at the effect it is having or worryingly, the consequences that it could lead to. I could be more pro-active in socialising, but then the anxieties put a block on any ideas I have.